Mirroring Emotions

Children learn about their physical likeness by seeing their image in a mirror. They learn about their emotional likeness by hearing their feelings reflected to them.

The function of a mirror is to reflect an image as it is, without adding flattery or faults. We do not want a mirror to tell us, "You look terrible. Your eyes are bloodshot and your face is puffy. Altogether you are a mess. You'd better do something about yourself." After a few exposures to such a magic mirror, we would avoid it like the plague. *From a mirror we want an image, not a sermon.* We may not like the image we see; still, we would rather decide for ourselves our next cosmetic move.

Loren Kerns, flickr

Similarly, the function of an emotional mirror is to reflect feelings as they are, without distortion:

"It looks like you are very angry."

"It sounds like you hate him very much."

"It seems as if you are disgusted with the whole situation."

To a child who has such feelings, these statements are most helpful. They show clearly what his or her feelings are. Clarity of image, whether in a looking glass or in an emotional mirror, provides opportunity for self-initiated grooming and change.

As adults we have all felt hurt, angry, afraid, confused, or sad. *At times of strong emotion there is nothing as comforting and helpful as a person who listens and understands.* What is true for adults is also true for children. Caring communication replaces criticism, lecturing, and advice with the healing balm of human understanding.

When one of our children is distressed, afraid, confused, or sad, we naturally rush in with judgment and advice. The clear, if unintended, message is: "You are too dull to know what to do." On top of the original pain we add the new insult.

There is a better way...

-Dr. Haim Ginott, Between Parent and Child